Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I am just about to finish another great book.  This time is it non-fiction.  It is "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman.  She has not had an easy life.  Her book is stirring so many emotions in me.  My desire that I have had for so long to adopt is being stirred up again.  I even started looking at agencies and places to supply grants.  I know I should not be looking at this time (I even told my husband I would not...) but I so want to adopt.  I am yearning to hold another baby in my arms.  I am torn up by the fact that my little guy is 3!!  On one hand, I am so grateful that he is three and alive and healthy on the other hand it saddens me that I won't be having another baby.  It is so bitter-sweet to watch him grow.  My husband has mentioned many times that God blessed us with a baby who stayed more like a baby longer than the rest so we could enjoy these moments longer.  He is right, however, at some level I still feel like I missed out on the time somehow.

Then there are the chapters of the book that go through their intense pain when their son accidentally hit and killed their 5 year old daughter.  My heart aches for her.  I am reminded of the loss of my own son.  He was stillborn and it hurt and still does at times.  I can't even imagine the pain and anguish a parent goes through at the loss of a child they lived with and laughed with for 5 years.  The constant reminders in the house... oh the grief.  The intense pain -- I can't even fathom it.  And then to have other children who need you to be there for them.

One of the striking things to me was the comments that people made to her.  For some reason I thought the thoughtless, stupid comments that were made to me were somehow unique due to the people who were making them.  But, clearly there are more people in this world that don't realize how the things they say sound.  People told her they knew what she was going through because they recently lost a parent or grandparent.  I am sorry, while these losses hurt and cause extreme pain for those close to these loved ones I truly do not believe that losing a parent or grandparent matches the pain and grief you experience when you bury your own child.  Most of us plan to die before our children... there are not really things in life that can prepare you for the tiny casket when a life you hoped to outlive is taken before you.  But as I continued to read I felt rage... anger I had felt at some of the comments made to me about my son, as I read that some people actually told her that they knew what she was going through because their cat or dog was hit by a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't believe those words left people's mouths.  I wanted to jump into the book and find those people and yell at the top of my lungs to them!  There is just no comparison.  I understand that dogs and cats become part of the family and some people treat them like kids but no way, there is just no comparison...

If you ever encounter someone going through this grief and pain, it is more appropriate to admit you don't know what to say and to hug them as tight as you can.  Let them talk to you and listen but if by all means all you can say is that you know how they feel about the death of their child due to the loss of your pet... please do not say a word!  There are so many people I wish had not said things... their silence would have been better and as I read these words last night I was reliving some of those comments that I heard years ago...  If I could I would give Mary Beth a huge hug... for now it will have to be a virtual one {{HUG}}

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