Sunday, February 2, 2014

Groundhog's Day... an emotional adventure...

Groundhog's Day....

I woke up and said, "Oh yeah it is Groundhog's Day... that silly furry weather rodent popped out of his hole today.  I wonder what he said."  Then it hit me a little later... "Oh yeah it is GROUNDHOG'S DAY... that is February 2!  Oh yeah... it is a another one of those days."  9 years ago today I lost one of my children.  I am mad at myself for waking up and enjoying part of the day before I remembered him.  Some people may say that it dumb.  Some people may say that is healing.  I mean of all my pregnancies it was the absolute shortest. But it was still my baby.  I had so many many wonderful hopes in those brief days that I carried that child.  I named s/he Noah (there is a woman in the Bible named Noah so I figured it was unisex enough... :) ).  How could I forget a child I named?  Perhaps it is because of how brief I carried him or her or that I did not get to hold Noah.  Either way I am saddened that I did not remember what today was as soon as I woke up.  Do I want to sulk all day?  No, I have three beautiful children in the house that I want to spend time with and enjoy but I also don't want to forget those ones that have gone before me.  Perhaps you think I am being too hard on myself.  After all, it is not like I held Noah like I did Gabriel or buried Noah like I did Elisha or Gabriel.  But, given my beliefs in the ones we carry in our womb I am saddened that I did not at least spend a few minutes upon waking remembering this little one that I may have only carried for weeks but will see again.   Sometimes I wonder if I want to "heal" completely.  I wonder if "healing" as we define it means forgetting and I do not want to forget ANY of my children no matter how short of a time they were lent to me.  I am rambling on now and I have board games to play with my family but I had to put it into writing these feelings of disgust that I have for how today started...