The marker did not run out of ink...
My thoughts as of late have turned deep. A woman that I have always thought highly of received some of the worst news you can get from the doctor. I was not there when the first time the doctor spoke to her but I was there for the second. It was the hardest thing I have listened to next to hearing my baby was dead. My emotions have been all over the place this week. I have loved spending time with my out of town family, but the reason they are here just plain stinks. Follow-up appointments are scheduled and hopefully more information will be gleaned from these.
On one of my trips to the hospital, my daughter and I stopped and picked up some of those "relaxing" coloring books, markers and colored pencils and took them to her. After spending time in the hospital with my last pregnancy, I know that you can only tolerate so much "Cash Cab!" As I flipped through the books, I really liked one of them. So, I bought myself a copy. I have spent time the last couple days coloring pictures from my copy of this book. As I color, she consumes my thoughts and I pray for her. It is currently the only tangible thing I can do for her. I wish there was more I could do. I wish she needed my kidney or a part of my liver but she needs healing only God can give her. Literally, there is nothing I can give her, so I pray... I pray for her, cry, pray for her family, cry, pray, cry, pray, cry, pray...
As soon as I saw the picture I colored today, I had a vision for it. I wanted the inside of the tent to look like a night sky. I saw this dark blue marker that was perfect for my vision. The only issue with it is that I only had that marker in ultra fine. The amount of paper that needed to be covered was quite large for an ultra fine marker. But it was the color I wanted. My husband saw the marker I was using and asked me if it would even have enough ink. My answer was simply "I don't know" and I went on coloring. But as I colored I started to worry, what IF the marker can't make it? What if it can't finish the section. And then tears welled up... I remembered her telling my mom "There are so many things I wanted to do..." I decided that if my marker stopped, I would leave the rest of the interior to the tent uncolored. It would serve as a reminder that sometimes we run out of time to do everything we want to do.... and I colored on... A lot of praying happened... an ultra fine marker does not cover the paper quickly. But in the end, the marker held out and finished the area that I wanted it to color.
I sat back and wondered about my analogy. What was left of my analogy now that the marker survived the whole area. And then God told me... He is the one who is in charge of our lives. He controls if we finish things or not. He is the artist coloring the canvas of our lives. He determines when our marker runs out of ink. And His art is always correct, even if we can't see the final plan ourselves. Some days acknowledging that is easier than others. When we get an unexpected gift or something goes great, acknowledgement of His plan being perfect is easy. But in dark moments, moments that don't go how we want them, it is hard -- sometimes unbearably so... This is where it gets hard, really hard.
His plan is perfect. I will never understand some things this side of heaven. Right now, I rest in the knowledge that I will see her again in heaven. I will enjoy and treasure every minute that I have left with her. I will pray for her to be with us as long as possible, knowing that God has plans for when her marker will run out. I just hope that her marker surprises us and fills a lot more space than we thought possible -- more space than the doctors think possible.
I finished the picture and because of all the things it made me think of, I want to frame it and hang it. As I looked upon the finished project, I realized that there is so much symbolism in it that I did not intentionally put in there. But, it is there and God is using it to remind me of things. There is more symbolism than I will write out. But two pieces strike me more than others. First the two flowers I left white are reminders that while God's plan is perfect and he finishes all he intends to finish, there will always be things that we might want to do but run out of time to do. They also remind me of lives that have been cut short and gone before me.
And then there is the big flower right in the center of the tent top. I colored it a teal color that is almost the same as an outfit that I will forever remember her wearing. I did not even plan it that way but there it is. She is the big, bright, teal flower.
On one of my trips to the hospital, my daughter and I stopped and picked up some of those "relaxing" coloring books, markers and colored pencils and took them to her. After spending time in the hospital with my last pregnancy, I know that you can only tolerate so much "Cash Cab!" As I flipped through the books, I really liked one of them. So, I bought myself a copy. I have spent time the last couple days coloring pictures from my copy of this book. As I color, she consumes my thoughts and I pray for her. It is currently the only tangible thing I can do for her. I wish there was more I could do. I wish she needed my kidney or a part of my liver but she needs healing only God can give her. Literally, there is nothing I can give her, so I pray... I pray for her, cry, pray for her family, cry, pray, cry, pray, cry, pray...
As soon as I saw the picture I colored today, I had a vision for it. I wanted the inside of the tent to look like a night sky. I saw this dark blue marker that was perfect for my vision. The only issue with it is that I only had that marker in ultra fine. The amount of paper that needed to be covered was quite large for an ultra fine marker. But it was the color I wanted. My husband saw the marker I was using and asked me if it would even have enough ink. My answer was simply "I don't know" and I went on coloring. But as I colored I started to worry, what IF the marker can't make it? What if it can't finish the section. And then tears welled up... I remembered her telling my mom "There are so many things I wanted to do..." I decided that if my marker stopped, I would leave the rest of the interior to the tent uncolored. It would serve as a reminder that sometimes we run out of time to do everything we want to do.... and I colored on... A lot of praying happened... an ultra fine marker does not cover the paper quickly. But in the end, the marker held out and finished the area that I wanted it to color.
His plan is perfect. I will never understand some things this side of heaven. Right now, I rest in the knowledge that I will see her again in heaven. I will enjoy and treasure every minute that I have left with her. I will pray for her to be with us as long as possible, knowing that God has plans for when her marker will run out. I just hope that her marker surprises us and fills a lot more space than we thought possible -- more space than the doctors think possible.
And then there is the big flower right in the center of the tent top. I colored it a teal color that is almost the same as an outfit that I will forever remember her wearing. I did not even plan it that way but there it is. She is the big, bright, teal flower.
So sad, this news.
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