Today I got a Hug
Music... Something about music has made connections for me. I have always listened to music and thought that the artist knew how I felt or could relate to me based on the lyrics. It does not surprise me then that at the hardest parts of life, I would listen to some songs over and over again.
10 years ago today, I delivered my precious son, Gabriel. My world was rocked. I was devastated to my core. I knew that I just had continue to live each day for my family. I had to wake up, put one foot in front of the other and move forward. But, I could not do it alone. I did not want to do it. Then two songs spoke to me: "When You Call on Jesus" by Nicole C Mullen and "In God We Trust" by Voices of Hope. They reminded me of my need to walk with Jesus and not try to do it alone. I played them over and over, day after day. I sang along in my tone-deaf fashion at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I was trying to sing through sobs. For years the songs remained on my playlists. But as is the world of music, those songs were replaced on the radio with newer songs. My playlists were updated with songs from my kids. Sometimes I would hear the songs in my head but that is pretty much the only place I would hear them -- after all, they are 10+ years old now.
I started the day trying to do school with the kids. I gave in. I had an odd feeling today. I wanted to sulk but I at the same time felt stir crazy. I was sad that my illness had thrown my off my hat making for the year and I would not be making my delivery to the NICU today. I was sad that 10 years had passed. I was just sad.
I got an e-mail from a friend. A friend that I had a falling out with last year. It was a reply to a message I had sent out yesterday. At the end of her message she wrote to tell me that she was remembering me as I was remembering Gabriel. She is not on Facebook. She remembered all on her own. To say I was touched would be an understatement. I fought the tears. I was not going to cry today. I showed my daughter. She was equally touched. God was talking to us in unexpected ways.
I decided that we were going to celebrate the life that was Gabriel's. On my kids birthdays we go out to lunch, we have a "bash", we celebrate. I packed up my kids and we went out to lunch. We picked up flowers and we headed to the cemetery. As we drove down the road the station we were listening to was too full of static so I changed to our other favorite station... Guess what was playing.. "When You Call on Jesus"! A ten year old song... a song I have not heard played on the radio for years... playing on a station that is not an "oldies" station. God was reaching down into our vehicle and hugging us! He was reminding me that he knows my pain. He knows and He CARES! He reminded me I am not alone and I should not try to do this alone. Tears... I am still feeling the tears... but more than that, I am feeling the HUG that I got today! I am going to remember that hug as I eat birthday cake tonight!
I love you, Gabriel. But, more than I do, God loves you. I will see you again, I will get to hold you again... when God calls me home to be with him in my real home, I will see you again.
10 years ago today, I delivered my precious son, Gabriel. My world was rocked. I was devastated to my core. I knew that I just had continue to live each day for my family. I had to wake up, put one foot in front of the other and move forward. But, I could not do it alone. I did not want to do it. Then two songs spoke to me: "When You Call on Jesus" by Nicole C Mullen and "In God We Trust" by Voices of Hope. They reminded me of my need to walk with Jesus and not try to do it alone. I played them over and over, day after day. I sang along in my tone-deaf fashion at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I was trying to sing through sobs. For years the songs remained on my playlists. But as is the world of music, those songs were replaced on the radio with newer songs. My playlists were updated with songs from my kids. Sometimes I would hear the songs in my head but that is pretty much the only place I would hear them -- after all, they are 10+ years old now.
I started the day trying to do school with the kids. I gave in. I had an odd feeling today. I wanted to sulk but I at the same time felt stir crazy. I was sad that my illness had thrown my off my hat making for the year and I would not be making my delivery to the NICU today. I was sad that 10 years had passed. I was just sad.
I got an e-mail from a friend. A friend that I had a falling out with last year. It was a reply to a message I had sent out yesterday. At the end of her message she wrote to tell me that she was remembering me as I was remembering Gabriel. She is not on Facebook. She remembered all on her own. To say I was touched would be an understatement. I fought the tears. I was not going to cry today. I showed my daughter. She was equally touched. God was talking to us in unexpected ways.
I decided that we were going to celebrate the life that was Gabriel's. On my kids birthdays we go out to lunch, we have a "bash", we celebrate. I packed up my kids and we went out to lunch. We picked up flowers and we headed to the cemetery. As we drove down the road the station we were listening to was too full of static so I changed to our other favorite station... Guess what was playing.. "When You Call on Jesus"! A ten year old song... a song I have not heard played on the radio for years... playing on a station that is not an "oldies" station. God was reaching down into our vehicle and hugging us! He was reminding me that he knows my pain. He knows and He CARES! He reminded me I am not alone and I should not try to do this alone. Tears... I am still feeling the tears... but more than that, I am feeling the HUG that I got today! I am going to remember that hug as I eat birthday cake tonight!
I love you, Gabriel. But, more than I do, God loves you. I will see you again, I will get to hold you again... when God calls me home to be with him in my real home, I will see you again.
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